Excuse Me, I Speak Autism!

Excuse Me, I Speak Autism!

I remember some time ago there was a line in the movie, "Airplane" where this old grandmother type says, "Excuse me, I speak jive!" Many other comments have since come from that funny snip, but one that flies around my office quite often is, "Ask Laura, she speaks Autism!" Though this is often said in jesting, there's also a good bit of truth to the statement. In my years of working with individuals with ASD's, I have found we do think quite differently than others and we do express ourselves differently. As I work with parents and their children, I notice there is a HUGE disconnect in understanding. It's as if they are speaking different languages and I am often acting as the interpreter. Though I seem to understand both sides of the conversation, the other two parties rarely understand one another and a good bit of explaining has to be done to get them on the same track.

I see this especially when it comes to relationships with adults, such as marriage or dating. Quite often those of us with Asperger's and HFA assume that others completely understand where we are coming from, as if they can do the Spock Mind Meld and see directly into our thoughts or beliefs. More often I find that others don't understand emotional things the way we seem to explain them, and our passion about things comes off as anger or indifference, which is rarely the case at all.

One of the most difficult journeys coming out of the frey of ASD is learning to think outside our self. What I mean by that is we will often do for others the things we would love to have done for us. That's our way to show love and affection, as it's all we know. Many would say, "What's wrong with that?" Well, there are several issues there. One of the biggest issues is that everyone is different and shows emotion and care in different ways. The things that might float our boat may not in fact be the things that are longed for by our significant others. Assuming that others know our wants and needs by osmosis is a very risky venture! And assuming others want the same things that are important to us is just as risky! Both parties end up feeling dejected, while both are adamant they are doing everything they know to do to make the other person happy. TRUE... BUT... if each person is doing what "THEY" want and not what is needed by their significant other, there are problems afoot! Talk to you partner, ask them what they need to feel loved and cared for. What are the things that you can do for them that make them feel significant? Don't assume you know what those are, or you may be in for quite a surprise! Likewise, make sure you are articulating your needs to them as well. In this realm, it always comes down to commuication, or lack thereof, that can make or break a relationship of any kind.

Learning to communicate specific wants and needs in a way others can clearly understand, and finding a way to learn and understand the wants and needs of others, so we are able to meet them, continues to be one of our greatest deficits. Social and emotional reciprocity is not always our strongest skill, but with practice comes great improvement. Another practical tip is to ask for examples. So often someone tells us what they would like us to do, but if we are speaking different languages, we may not be interpreting things the way it was intended. Whenever I give instructions to an individual with an ASD, I will then ask, "OK, now what did I just say?", followed by, "Now what does that mean? Give me some examples." We are very good at regurgitating information we have been given, but that doesn't always mean we understand what we have just been told. If there is any misunderstanding, using this tip will identify it quickly and give the opportunity to clarify.

I'm going to continue along this line of thinking in my next few posts, and spell out some of the thought processes that happen in the mind of those of us with Asperger's in particular, though other ASD's often share some of these characteristics. I'm hoping by giving some specific examples, you may see a light bulb come on regarding thought processes you may not have understood from a loved one with ASD in the past. Hopefully, we can be an interpretation tool to help get you all on the same page.

Laura Corby :)
Founder/CEO
Autism Solution Center, Inc.